But what if I hurt you?

On relapse, re-diagnosis and my reticence to share it

This brave girl is three chemotherapy appointments in — halfway there and we are so proud of her and so grateful she is her happy, sassy self.

Hello Beautiful Human,

I keep trying to show up here but find myself struggling to do so. 

I’ve actually discarded four full pieces in the last two weeks and only today, in my second therapy appointment of the week, did I fully come to terms with the reason why.

I am terrified that I might hurt you.

I am terrified that if I say one thing wrong, I will lose you to suicide like I lost so many of my dear friends and a beloved member of this community earlier this year.

My fear of hurting others has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember. I remember it before I even remember myself as a child. 

It’s the fear that drove me to hide in closets as a kid. 

It’s the fear that seeded incessant people-pleasing from grade school onwards. 

And it’s the fear that tortured me as I navigated twenty years of serious mental illness.

I wish I could say that the f…