How I am - really

It's time we talk about it. Please know: I can contract for my safety.

They keep checking on me.
Head resting on my feet
Paws draped across my lap

They’ve been doing bark alerts too
Especially when my stillness seems to creep
towards forever 

I never told them
But I never have to.
They just know.
I am not okay.

When I was first diagnosed with dissociative disorder four and a half years ago I thought,
Okay, that explains it.  
That finally explains it.

I lose time
I end up in the woods
I can’t remember my past

Now, all I have to do is learn to stay.
Now, all I have to do is be here and now — earthside.
How hard can that be?

If only that had been the case
If only the work was merely about presence
A practice there is actually no mere about

But instead 
Instead
This phase of recovery is not only about presence
It’s about presence while the memories of my past return

It’s about living in a body that remembers 
Everything

Standing on that bridge ready to jump
Being held down for only his pleasure
Scooping medications out of the toilet and swallowing them whole to avoid the ever gnawing withdrawal 
And running — running — running as fast as I can from the demons of my mind that forever chase me.

Yes,
It’s about living through it once more
But this time, with feeling

Yes, now I see
Ever so clearly
The work really is — 
to stay
And there is absolutely nothing simple or easy about it

And while I don’t want to stay right now
As every fiber of my being is tormented and completely devoured by a past that feels entirely unsurvivable
I look down

And instead of the river raging hundreds of yards below me 
and the false salvation that jump might pretend to afford
I see them

Yes 
I see them
And I choose the hardest work I will ever know

I choose to stay
For them
Until I learn how to stay for me as well.  

~

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, I don’t presume to get it.

I am also here with you in the trenches of my own fight and believe wholeheartedly in us both.

I also encourage you to use these resources.

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Many have saved my life countless times.

Please share them far and wide.

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Hotlines that will not involve the police:

• Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line: a peer support line where you can call to get support, ask about resources, connect with another person who can relate or has ‘been there,’ talk, and be heard.

  • Call: 1-888-407-4515

• THRIVE Lifeline: a support text line for underrepresented (person of color, LGBTQ2S+, person living with disabilities, neurodivergent, and/or other marginalized identities)

  • Text “THRIVE” to: 1-313-662-8209

• Blackline: a peer-support hotline by and for Black, Black TLGBTQI+, Brown, Native, and Muslim communities.

  • Call or text: 1-800-604-5841

• Fireside Project: a psychedelic support line that provides emotional support during and after psychedelic experiences.

  • Call or text: 1-623-473-7433

• StrongHearts Native Helpline: a domestic and sexual violence helpline for Native Americans and Alaska Natives.

  • Call: 1-844-762-8483

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Hotlines that may involve the police:

• The Crisis Text Line: a text line open to anyone in crisis who needs support of any kind.

  • Text: HOME to 741741 available 24/7/365 globally

• Suicide Crisis Lifeline: a confidential crisis line for mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug concerns or if you just need someone to talk to.

  • Call: 988

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: a crisis and support hotline for individuals suffering from domestic violence

  • Call:1-800-799-7233

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline: a confidential, free, 24/7 information service for individuals and family members facing mental health and/or substance use disorders.

  • Call: 1-800-662-4357

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And before the comments sound off, let me be very clear:

I do not share this for pity or attention.

I share this because I am not unmentionable.

I share this because over 49,000 people died by suicide in 2023, and until we can bravely lean into the discomfort of this and talk about it openly, that tragedy will never change.

So here I am, terrified, and talking about it because I am determined to change that heartbreaking reality and build a world where it actually is safe for all of us to belong.

Please know that just by reading this — just by being here with me — you are already helping build that world.

With gratitude and love, I wish you a day.

For a day — just like you — is always enough.

Kindly,

Kate

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