How I am - really

It's time we talk about it. Please know: I can contract for my safety.

They keep checking on me.
Head resting on my feet
Paws draped across my lap

They’ve been doing bark alerts too
Especially when my stillness seems to creep
towards forever 

I never told them
But I never have to.
They just know.
I am not okay.

When I was first diagnosed with dissociative disorder four and a half years ago I thought,
Okay, that explains it.  
That finally explains it.

I lose time
I end up in the woods
I can’t remember my past

Now, all I have to do is learn to stay.
Now, all I have to do is be here and now — earthside.
How hard can that be?

If only that had been the case
If only the work was merely about presence
A practice there is actually no mere about

But instead 
Instead
This phase of recovery is not only about presence
It’s about presence while the memories of my past return

It’s about living in a body that remembers 
Everything

Standing on that bridge ready to jump
Being held down for only his pleasure
Scooping medications out of the toilet and swallowing …