4. Shame, Lies and Meeting Maura

A chapter on meeting my best friend, Maura, for the very first time.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, leaving the house for squash became my routine. But I was ill equipped with my limited care team to weather the anxiety of each outing with a full exposure. The fear of people, places and judgment lingered. And as the fear lingered, shame grew.

Shame is an evil bastard.

If left unchecked, shame worms its way into every corner of your being. It haunts your days and dominates your nights. Soon enough, it’s impossible to know the difference between lies and the truth, between the piles of shame-induced judgment and an actual lived experience, and between the self-hatred you feel and your own reality.

Even though I left the house and played squash almost daily, my own narrative of being and self worth grew increasingly dark.

And that is when I started lying.

Lying to my family and college and childhood friends started slowly, in some ways even innocently. My intent was always to spare them pain — to avoid tears welling in my parents eyes or the inevitable silence of p…