Kate, I took a great deal of time off of social media and limiting my time on my phone. It helped me tremendously. I am now falling back into old habits and not feeling good about it but obviously addicted again. All of which unravels me. But this post was like a lifeline today. Thank you. I have ideas, and even concrete steps to take now to help me reregulate. I so appreciate you… always.
As always, Kate, thank you for sharing this. The med one really stuck out for me, I often white knuckle by way through without reaching out to my psychiatrist. Well, recently I didn’t white knuckle, I reached out for support and we increased one of my meds and holy wow, the reorganization of my thinking is wild and welcoming. So yes it is a good reminder for me to start there.
Since my husband was diagnosed bipolar 25 years ago, we have slowly built up mostly identical tools and such between us, but it's all sort of random and scatter-shot. You have laid it all out, and organized it in such a succinct and useful way! Lots of books and posts have lists, but I rarely come across something that resonates so completely. Going to make a checklist from it to put on the wall as a go-to.
Starting out this school year has been more brutal than I expected... I thought being in my second year as a mom and 8th as a teacher, I had a handle on what would come . I was wrong. the traumas my students go through and shared, wrecked me.
THIS this will save me this year. What mess is a mess I can accept.
What can I actually control TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that I cannot)
What is my responsibility TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that is not)
What do I actually have to do TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that is not urgent)
Students' lives and world is brutal right now and the level of overwhelm, tears, and anxiety is more than words can express.
Thank you for empowering me to look at my toolkit!💜💜💜
I love all these real honest to goodness tips. I tell my husband this. If one tip doesn't work, try the next one. I would like to add going outside to the list. That can change my attitude real quick!
Baby Kate! I want to squish cuddle her! Oh my friend. Through all the hellish things you have been through I truly thank God you are still here. Still here to scream truth. To teach resolution. To lift and help others through this muck we call life. To find joy and help us remember the small things! Your little red tool box reminds me of my mom’s. It had all the things in it.. and it was a treasure that my daughter kept after she passed. It meant/means that much. ALL the love to you, Dave, and those precious girls!!! 💜💜💜💜💜
Wow, this post! It has sooooo much relatable, thoughtful, VALUABLE content! I need to read, read again, and print it out to hang. You are incredibly generous with your work. Thank you!
Thank you for all of this! I don’t think the general public realizes how mentally damaging this administration is for some of us 😞
Quiet companionship is an amazing concept….it’s so hard to know amazing people that want to hang out but you know that you have nothing to give. Right now an afternoon doctor appointment is overwhelming!
I have asked people to have a phone date instead of meeting somewhere. I CAN talk and sometimes I really just want to listen but maybe I don’t want to drive and park or sit up straight in a restaurant chair or an awkward barstool. I definitely don’t want to rideshare (and I’m a former 5 Star Lyft Driver!)
Similarly there are times when I’d love to have pizza delivered but I don’t want to engage with the dear person at my door and so I just do without that day lol..
Thank you again….I know that I’m not alone and I’ll add all of this to my toolbox 🧰
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your brain dump felt like I could have written it and made me cry. It is so so so hard and exhausting, the constant brain weights and noise of really hard and also really mundane things.
So thankful for you. Thank you for caring for yourself and then sharing with us. Thank you for the way you bravely and honestly show up here. It’s a true gift.
Yessss. Love this. Toolboxes are so so important! I too love a good cranio sacral massage and music to help my mood. I also struggled for a while with asking for help from professionals so I feel that-SO HARD. Sending you and the pack so much love 💕💕
I read your post in the back of a Lyft on the way to the airport for a long weekend with my in-laws. I won’t stop to explain how many triggers are baked into that sentence; I’ll just say that I’m leaning hard into my toolbox this weekend.
My therapist and I have been talking about these resources as a menu. I started out visualizing it as a menu at a restaurant or a spa or something, where I list all these different things I can do that usually relax me or give me joy or derail a spiral, and when I feel a need for help, I peruse the menu and look for something that sounds appetizing. Occasionally, nothing sounds appetizing, and that is the point when I know it’s time to take one of my as-needed panic meds.
The thing that your post really got me thinking about, though, was a video I saw recently from labor and delivery nurse Jen Hamilton where she offered some advice to people who want to pursue unmedicated childbirth. She recommended that they spend their pregnancy finding the things that help them feel better and gather those things as tools for when they go into labor.
She went on to recommend using those tools as batons in a relay. She said some people deploy all the coping mechanisms all at once and lose the impact of any one of them, but the people who treat those tools like batons tend to have an easier time.
Jen framed the “baton” idea as: when you feel your resolve slipping, pull out one of those aids. Maybe it’s a cool shower. Get in that shower and let it help, and lean on the relief of that thing. Give it a time limit if you need to, like getting through the next 10 contractions or something, and then swap to the next tool available to you. Something different enough to keep stimulating your brain as experiencing a relieving thing.
Now, obviously, some of this does not apply to coping with sick brain. But the thing that your post added to that video for me was that maybe sometimes the coping mechanisms in our box stop working for a bit. Maybe they have a time and place, or they get worn out, or your access to them changes. Not talking about the full overload, just that sometimes that baton needs to be passed for a little while.
When I moved to Chicago a few years ago, I shattered my own brain and heart for a little while. They were already pretty beaten up, especially since we were a year and a half into COVID at the time, but I knew it was the right thing for me, and I knew I could build a happier, healthier life by making this move, but I gave up access to so many of the things that had given me peace or joy. Some of those things I’ll never get back, and others I just have to visit when I can.
I wish I’d had the wisdom then to really think about my toolbox and what resources I could take with me, and what resources might exist in my new home that I should try out.
I can’t change any of that, but I’m glad I know it now.
Thank you for helping me connect some dots here. I’d like to imagine I’ll be better prepared for the next life-shattering change. Not that I can avoid the damage, but maybe I can remember how to heal a little faster next time because I’ve done it before.
First of all, I had a similar reaction to being given a toolbox as a high school graduation present. I was like “uhhh, thanks” only to proceed to call my grandpa (the gifter) a year later when I had figured out how useful it was. Second, could you tell us more about cranio sacral massage? Normal body massages freak me out.
Kate, I took a great deal of time off of social media and limiting my time on my phone. It helped me tremendously. I am now falling back into old habits and not feeling good about it but obviously addicted again. All of which unravels me. But this post was like a lifeline today. Thank you. I have ideas, and even concrete steps to take now to help me reregulate. I so appreciate you… always.
As always, Kate, thank you for sharing this. The med one really stuck out for me, I often white knuckle by way through without reaching out to my psychiatrist. Well, recently I didn’t white knuckle, I reached out for support and we increased one of my meds and holy wow, the reorganization of my thinking is wild and welcoming. So yes it is a good reminder for me to start there.
Other things in my toolbox:
- Equine assisted therapy with an amazing team
- talk therapy
- nutrition therapy
- tapping (emotional freedom technique), swaying, humming
- walking
- cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry
- calling on my support people without guilt
This is a phenomenal help FOR ALL PEOPLE! It should be printed as a list and hung on the wall :)
Since my husband was diagnosed bipolar 25 years ago, we have slowly built up mostly identical tools and such between us, but it's all sort of random and scatter-shot. You have laid it all out, and organized it in such a succinct and useful way! Lots of books and posts have lists, but I rarely come across something that resonates so completely. Going to make a checklist from it to put on the wall as a go-to.
Embracing mediocrity- I’ve said “good enough “ to myself for many many years. I’m a big fan of this mindset
Starting out this school year has been more brutal than I expected... I thought being in my second year as a mom and 8th as a teacher, I had a handle on what would come . I was wrong. the traumas my students go through and shared, wrecked me.
THIS this will save me this year. What mess is a mess I can accept.
What can I actually control TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that I cannot)
What is my responsibility TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that is not)
What do I actually have to do TODAY? (And crossing off ALL that is not urgent)
Students' lives and world is brutal right now and the level of overwhelm, tears, and anxiety is more than words can express.
Thank you for empowering me to look at my toolkit!💜💜💜
I love all these real honest to goodness tips. I tell my husband this. If one tip doesn't work, try the next one. I would like to add going outside to the list. That can change my attitude real quick!
Baby Kate! I want to squish cuddle her! Oh my friend. Through all the hellish things you have been through I truly thank God you are still here. Still here to scream truth. To teach resolution. To lift and help others through this muck we call life. To find joy and help us remember the small things! Your little red tool box reminds me of my mom’s. It had all the things in it.. and it was a treasure that my daughter kept after she passed. It meant/means that much. ALL the love to you, Dave, and those precious girls!!! 💜💜💜💜💜
Wow, this post! It has sooooo much relatable, thoughtful, VALUABLE content! I need to read, read again, and print it out to hang. You are incredibly generous with your work. Thank you!
Thank you for all of this! I don’t think the general public realizes how mentally damaging this administration is for some of us 😞
Quiet companionship is an amazing concept….it’s so hard to know amazing people that want to hang out but you know that you have nothing to give. Right now an afternoon doctor appointment is overwhelming!
I have asked people to have a phone date instead of meeting somewhere. I CAN talk and sometimes I really just want to listen but maybe I don’t want to drive and park or sit up straight in a restaurant chair or an awkward barstool. I definitely don’t want to rideshare (and I’m a former 5 Star Lyft Driver!)
Similarly there are times when I’d love to have pizza delivered but I don’t want to engage with the dear person at my door and so I just do without that day lol..
Thank you again….I know that I’m not alone and I’ll add all of this to my toolbox 🧰
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your brain dump felt like I could have written it and made me cry. It is so so so hard and exhausting, the constant brain weights and noise of really hard and also really mundane things.
So thankful for you. Thank you for caring for yourself and then sharing with us. Thank you for the way you bravely and honestly show up here. It’s a true gift.
Yessss. Love this. Toolboxes are so so important! I too love a good cranio sacral massage and music to help my mood. I also struggled for a while with asking for help from professionals so I feel that-SO HARD. Sending you and the pack so much love 💕💕
Thank you for the 🧰 Kate❤️❤️❤️🐾🐾
I read your post in the back of a Lyft on the way to the airport for a long weekend with my in-laws. I won’t stop to explain how many triggers are baked into that sentence; I’ll just say that I’m leaning hard into my toolbox this weekend.
My therapist and I have been talking about these resources as a menu. I started out visualizing it as a menu at a restaurant or a spa or something, where I list all these different things I can do that usually relax me or give me joy or derail a spiral, and when I feel a need for help, I peruse the menu and look for something that sounds appetizing. Occasionally, nothing sounds appetizing, and that is the point when I know it’s time to take one of my as-needed panic meds.
The thing that your post really got me thinking about, though, was a video I saw recently from labor and delivery nurse Jen Hamilton where she offered some advice to people who want to pursue unmedicated childbirth. She recommended that they spend their pregnancy finding the things that help them feel better and gather those things as tools for when they go into labor.
She went on to recommend using those tools as batons in a relay. She said some people deploy all the coping mechanisms all at once and lose the impact of any one of them, but the people who treat those tools like batons tend to have an easier time.
Jen framed the “baton” idea as: when you feel your resolve slipping, pull out one of those aids. Maybe it’s a cool shower. Get in that shower and let it help, and lean on the relief of that thing. Give it a time limit if you need to, like getting through the next 10 contractions or something, and then swap to the next tool available to you. Something different enough to keep stimulating your brain as experiencing a relieving thing.
Now, obviously, some of this does not apply to coping with sick brain. But the thing that your post added to that video for me was that maybe sometimes the coping mechanisms in our box stop working for a bit. Maybe they have a time and place, or they get worn out, or your access to them changes. Not talking about the full overload, just that sometimes that baton needs to be passed for a little while.
When I moved to Chicago a few years ago, I shattered my own brain and heart for a little while. They were already pretty beaten up, especially since we were a year and a half into COVID at the time, but I knew it was the right thing for me, and I knew I could build a happier, healthier life by making this move, but I gave up access to so many of the things that had given me peace or joy. Some of those things I’ll never get back, and others I just have to visit when I can.
I wish I’d had the wisdom then to really think about my toolbox and what resources I could take with me, and what resources might exist in my new home that I should try out.
I can’t change any of that, but I’m glad I know it now.
Thank you for helping me connect some dots here. I’d like to imagine I’ll be better prepared for the next life-shattering change. Not that I can avoid the damage, but maybe I can remember how to heal a little faster next time because I’ve done it before.
Your friend in darkness (and out of it),
Amanda (@statler)
Beautiful, beautiful, and valuable piece! I needed to read these tips and self-kindness. I will try the exercise today! Thank you for this ❤️
First of all, I had a similar reaction to being given a toolbox as a high school graduation present. I was like “uhhh, thanks” only to proceed to call my grandpa (the gifter) a year later when I had figured out how useful it was. Second, could you tell us more about cranio sacral massage? Normal body massages freak me out.